Help, I’ve developed feelings for someone that isn’t my partner. What do I do?

If I told you how many times I get inbound messages like this, and how many clients I have with this problem, you wouldn’t believe it.

It’s probably up there in the top 3 problems I help folks solve for.

Because it’s unbelievably easy to develop a crush, feelings, or to even fall in love with someone that isn’t your spouse in this day and age.

In fact, I think it’s getting easier and easier. And more and more common.

But the good news is that it doesn’t always mean you have to leave your partner or that your marriage is ruined. Not at all.

Here’s what I know is typically going on and why I don’t worry too much:

• It’s rarely about the actual person, and more about what that person signifies to you.

• It’s rarely about the actual person, and more about what needs that person meets within you.

• It’s rarely about the actual person, and more about the unhelpful stories and beliefs you have around what it is to tell your partner about what you need.

Now, disclaimer: I am not saying that people don’t leave their partner for the person they are cheating on.

They absolutely can, and often do, and it can absolutely work out in the long run. It can be a magical relationship that is an evolution of what the old one, with new learnings, new insights, and honestly, a lot of hard work to make it work because of the stigma and shame that can come with it.

I talked about this on a podcast not that long ago, because I think we so often villanize the cheating person and their affair as bad or terrible people who are doing something foolish and lustful - whereas it can actually work out. Albeit, the methods to get to that relationship aren’t the healthiest, but the relationship can become a healthy one.

But in order to get to that stage of a healthy relationship, you do first have to discern carefully, whether it IS the actual person or whether it is your own subconscious urges and needs that are driving you to them.

And this is where most people fall short, and why there is often a whole load of unnecessary drama and divorce and pain.

And in fact, you ultimately want to discern these things sooner rather than later, because if you don’t, you’re essentially living in denial.

You HAVEN’T cleared any of your internal stuff, those blocks, unmet needs, old stories, and so on, and so you jump into this relationship with the new person, only to realize you’ve brought all your baggage along with you…and that same relationship also falls apart.

And then you jump into another relationship, and then another, and then another, until you ultimately have a graveyard of marriages behind you that could have been saved.

And a lot of financial mess.

Makes FAR more sense to do the inner processing first, get that clarity on what is actually going on, and make a smart, discerning decision from the get go on what you want to do about this crush or these feelings.

Now, to share more on what I mean with the above:

• It’s often more about what that person signifies to you.

When you meet someone new, and they are all shiny, exciting, fun, playful, and all the wonderful things we get in the honeymoon phase, it’s almost inevitable they are going to seem more attractive than your partner.

Because if your partner is grumpy, tired, and frustrated with raising kids, feeling exhausted, walking around in an old t-shirt, and you’re coming up and not giving them much attention, and your date nights are all about the kids…and you have tons of pent up resentment and baggage from past arguments that you never really repaired on or processed…

Then yeah, someone new and fun and shiny and attractive in nice office attire or going out clothes is going to be compelling.

They don’t carry resentment towards you, you don’t have feelings of being misunderstood by them, and the excitement of it all, the sheer hormonal overwhelm, is going to flood you with feelings.

These will fade.

As with anything new, these will fade.

Try building a life with this person, and watch how the newness dissolves into familiarity, the arguments start (because these are normal and healthy) and the effort goes out the window.

Leapfrogging from new relationship to new relationship really sabotages your ability to build true intimacy and create a longterm, lasting relationship built on growth, trust, and really SEEING each other through it all. Far more reward with this.

• It’s more about what needs that person meets within you.

The subconscious mind within each of us is a needs-meeting machine. It’s job is to get our needs met. So it will do everything in its power to achieve that.

And all humans have needs. More often than not, we don’t know what our needs are, and we just let our subconscious figure it out.

But when we don’t know what they are, and we find ourselves feeling unfulfilled with our partner, because we maybe haven’t communicated what we need to them or met those needs ourselves (because we have no idea what they are, since we never did that inner exploration)...

…then it’s highly likely we will find ourselves being pulled into other directions, towards other people that seem to symbolize getting those needs met.

That need for excitement, novelty, growth, adventure…someone else might feel like a way to get that met, rather than your mundane life or partner. Thus you feel attraction.

That need for praise, validation, feeling seen…someone else might listen to you and get you in a way your partner doesn’t (because you don’t share yourself with them in the same way) and thus you feel attraction.

Do you see what I mean here? It’s like a math equation, only you’re solving it wrong.

• It’s more about the unhelpful stories and beliefs you have around what it is to tell your partner about what you need.

Lastly, if you naturally have a fear of conflict, hate drama, don’t like feeling emotionally overwhelmed, prefer peace and quiet, worry you will be misunderstood, often feel like people don’t get you…then the odds are, you're going to have unhelpful stories and beliefs, lodged deep into your subconscious, that are making you feel like telling your partner the truth is harder and worse than finding other ways to feel fulfilled.

Meaning, you’d rather find someone new or get your needs met elsewhere, rather than talk to your partner openly and candidly about what’s going on for you.

Because maybe you are scared of another fight, maybe you’re walking on eggshells, maybe you think they won’t get it or they’ll be defensive.

Which is all totally valid, of course - they may well be.

But it’s not sustainable. At least, not for a healthy, happy long term relationship.

You have to talk to them. You have to LEARN to talk to them. You have to LEARN to identify what you want to say, and how to say it in a careful and clear and assertive way.

All of which is a learnable skill.

Now, the problem is, therapy and counselling, talking about your feelings for another person, this attraction, might help you make sense of it, but it won’t help you actually clear the internal blocks that are fuelling your unmet needs and your unhelpful stories.

It also won’t help you process your blocks around intimacy and feeling trapped - which is another whole reason why you might be feeling attracted to another person.

This is where subconscious mind work, and doing deeper interventions with a process like my Successfully in Love® method is far more effective and efficient.

I can help you make sense of all these things in as little as 90 days, whilst giving you tangible tools and techniques to get to the root cause of your unfulfillment, and help you FEEL fulfilled - fast.

Whilst getting clarity on whether to stay or go with your partner.

If you’d like to stop feeling so tangled up in confusing feelings and know what to do next, then I can help you.

Just drop me a message today, and I’ll be glad to share more about my methodology with you, and how I can help you.

Message me today.