Have you ever felt upset or let down by your partner but not said anything, because you don’t want more drama, and you don’t actually believe that talking to them will help? You think it’ll just make things worse?

Perhaps you’ve tried to speak up for what you need before, and it’s backfired.

So now you avoid it?

Well, the solution for you lies in realizing that having conflict is not a sign of failure, but in fact a healthy, normal part of a strong relationship - and conflict can actually be a good thing that brings you two together.

I can imagine you’re thinking:

• ‘Sure, sounds good in theory, but the reality is horrible.’

• ‘Conflict never gets us anywhere - it just makes things worse.’

• ‘What’s the point?’

You feel like you're on a different frequency to them these days.

You’ve done deep personal work. They haven't.

And you’re clearer, calmer, more self-aware. But they aren't.

So your conversations break down. And intimacy is dead.

And you feel misunderstood, a bit lonely, and like you're getting more and more disconnected.

Well, here’s a thought for you:

Yes - it’s absolutely possible to outgrow a partner. This does happen, for sure.

BUT it’s also possible to mistake internal growth for incompatibility, when what’s actually happening is the surfacing of old wounds that were never addressed.

This is what I see 9 times out of 10 with my clients.

Here's some trends that you might relate to, if so:

Have you outgrown your relationship?

If you know that your relationship isn’t working.

Because you haven’t been intimate in months.

And you’d rather be alone than in the same room together.

And whilst you’re unsure how you got here… - you feel in your gut: something has to change…

Here’s a possibility worth considering:

What if the disconnection you’re feeling isn’t actually about growing apart… But about outgrowing a bond that was never truly built on genuine emotional connection in the first place?

Because here’s what often happens with high functioning professionals - especially those who married young or during times of emotional instability.

You can unknowingly form a relationship that’s rooted in survival, rather than shared values and genuine compatibility.

This is what psychologists refer to as a trauma bond.

A trauma bond is not about being in an abusive relationship or about some sort of traumatising connection - not in the way most people think.

One of the biggest reasons I see people fail at improving their relationship, even when they’re miserable and ostensibly trying to ‘fix it’, is because they think that reading a book on love languages, or scrolling through Instagram and watching reels by various relationship coaches will actually help them.

I mean, my instagram and Tik Tok content are good but heck, I give away maybe 1% of my IP and strategies in there.

Because it’s meant to be clickbait (that’s just the world of marketing) and it’s meant to be short, digestible, and scrollable.

It’s not meant to actually transform your 10+ year relationship.

Nor is a book, which studies show you will only ever retain about 3% of (!!!!!).

Not to mention, when you are scrolling social media thinking you’re ‘learning about relationships’ or reading some godforsaken book, you’re only using a teeny tiny 3% of your brain - your conscious mind - to take in that information.

And the information might be crap, anyway - let’s not forget that love languages were discredited by science years ago…yes, that book itself is more ‘clickbait’.

Your romantic relationship - that living, breathing, messy, emotional, scary, big, heavy, THING - is not something you can just intellectualise or scroll your way through.

Those arguments you have, that feeling in the pit of your stomach, that nagging doubt that you’re maybe with the wrong person, that feeling of being lonely within it…

These aren’t things you can just read your way through.

These are things that live way beneath your conscious mind - deep, buried within you - that you can’t really get to that easily.

They’re often not even things you can ‘think’ about clearly, because so much of it is nestled within your own blind spots.

Nope.

Have you ever found yourself doubting your relationship and your partner, feeling like something is off? Wondering if they’re actually the right fit for you?

And it’s quite alarming, naturally, because you’re invested with them and the idea of potentially leaving (and having made a ‘mistake’ in choosing them) is a painful pill to swallow?

So you go back and forth, pushing that thought out of your mind, telling yourself it’s likely just you making things up…but you can’t shift the feeling, and it keeps lingering in the back of your mind?

If so, then I have some good news for you:

It might not mean that your partner is the wrong match for you.

It might just mean that you have some old blocks from your past around intimacy and love.

Which is ultimately great, because it means you can change this - and reclaim your relationship. Without having to even involve your partner or let them know you’re doubting things.

Now, this isn’t always the case.