Why does something feel off in your relationship? Here's the biggest underlying reason.

Have you ever sat across the table from your partner and felt that something was off…

…but figured that it was nothing?

There’s no arguments, no fighting, nothing really ‘wrong’ on the outside.

So, even though you’re sensing something is up, you can’t really pinpoint why, so it’s hard to trust that feeling.

And because that feeling pops up quite a lot, you actually don’t even really trust yourself.

If so, then it’s likely you’re gaslighting yourself here.

And you’ve disconnected from yourself in the process.

Because in my experience, if you’re a high performer, and you’ve spent years performing - at work, in the relationship, in life - it’s going to be hard to hear your instincts.

And it’ll likely be very hard to trust yourself.

Because unfortunately, performance requires suppression.

To be successful, to do the hours you have done, to grind, to show up when you’re tired, to print the money you print…you’ve had to override a lot of your needs, and instincts.

You’ve had to minimize any discomfort you may have felt and just keep going.

And likely, you’ve become very good at denying painful things because you don’t have time or bandwidth for the perceived drama or fallout.

Perhaps you’re even subconsciously worried that admitting something is off, or wrong, is going to lead to so much drama - or conflict - or rejection of you - that it’s too painful to even contemplate.

And you don't have the time or capacity to deal with it (you hate drama)

So naturally, you avoid it. Or dismiss it. Or doubt yourself in it.

So when you’re feeling like something is off with your partner at dinner, 9 times out of 10 I can tell you with confidence - something IS off.

BUT…and here’s the big but:

Whether it is YOU that is off and YOU are projecting your stuff onto the relationship

Or whether it is in fact your partner and the relationship itself

Is a bigger question - one that I can’t answer in a post.

Because if you’ve spent your life powering through, grinding, creating, working, then you will have self-abandoned yourself in the process to get things done (overriding those instincts) and as a result, you’ve likely neglected your emotional needs.

So your own stuff - your own needs - have gone unaddressed -

And your own internal stories, wounding, patterns, unconscious blocks, have also been unaddressed.

Because you’ve generally neglected yourself in the pursuit of bigger things.

So at the point you feel like something is off, it’s actually very hard to know if it’s you bringing your own internal stuff to the table and feeling that…

OR if it’s your partner.

Does that make sense?

Here’s an example for you.

I have a client Alex who couldn’t help but feel more and more trapped in his marriage.

As the years went on, and things got more and more stable - more predictable - more…dare I say, boring - he felt more and more trapped.

And so when he’d sit down for dinner with his partner, he’d feel, naturally, quite off.

He felt stuck. Disconnected. Like there was an elephant in the room but he couldn’t voice what it was.

All he knew was that he wasn’t sure he wanted to stay in the marriage, even though he knew his wife was a great wife and a great catch.

He just felt OFF.

So when he came to me, and I unpacked what was going on, it became laser clear to me that he had his own wounding and patterns around feeling trapped - from his childhood.

And THESE were the feelings that were flaring up for him with his partner.

But because he’d been so busy grinding and building his multi-million dollar exit, he’d never stopped to actually tend to these wounds.

He’d self abandoned.

So they percolated and stay in his nervous system, rent free, for decades, getting worse and worse (because core wounds get worse over time).

So we got together and cleared these wounds out - helping him see the relationship more clearly.

The great thing is, he has started to feel better and more freer in the relationship - without actually changing anything.

The elephant in the room has been identified and excavated. And he’s actually feeling more and more connected to himself, more free, happier, and excited for his future.

Now, I have another client, Gary, who came to me with an almost identical problem … and it became clear that the elephant in the room was actually the relationship, and dysfunction between him and his wife.

So it can be either of the two scenarios - your own blocks, or the relationship. And I can’t tell you which in this LinkedIn post, but I can tell you that it starts by trusting that the discomfort means something - even if you can’t articulate it yet.

You don’t need to solve it all yourself.

But you do need to stop gaslighting your own gut.

Clarity comes when you stop abandoning yourself.

And start getting the help of a professional to guide you through your own blind spots and help you see things more clearly.

Because in both men’s case, this is not something they could have done alone - because that elephant in the room was blind to them.

And guess what, it’s really damn hard to remove our own blocks!

The subconscious mind is excellent at keeping us in the status quo because it wants safety.

So trying to do this alone, or by reading this post, isn’t going to work. Your brain just won’t let you go there. You have to do the deeper inner work with a professional that can guide you.

This is also why therapy can seem so fruitless, because in therapy, you’re just using your conscious mind to talk about the problem rather than addressing the deeper, buried stuff.

So if you’re feeling like something is off, I invite you to consider that it probably is.

And the real question is whether it’s you or the relationship - which is something you will want to discern if you want clarity and mental peace.

Which is precisely what I can help you with.

In fact, this is my zone of genius!

Over 90 days I help high level professionals figure out whether it’s them or the relationship, whether to stay or go, and how to navigate forward in a way that feels clear, confident, and exciting for them.

DM me if you want to learn more.