Why have we lost the spark in bed? How you’ve lost intimacy with your partner.
Ever found yourself just going through the motions in bed with your partner - ?
No eye contact.
No closeness.
No spark.
More two people rubbing their bits together.
And…it ends as quickly as it starts.
Before you know it, you’re both back on your phones.
NOT.
Well, let me tell you that first of all - this is no way to live.
And second of all, the reason you’re having such a terrible intimate life is because you and your partner no no longer feel emotionally safe with each other.
Yes, you might still “function” as a couple - raising kids, running a household, showing up to barbeques and dinner parties, bla bla bla - but deep down, the emotional safety is gone.
The real intimacy is dead, basically.
And unfortunately, without emotional safety, intimacy turns into some sort of uncomfortable fake performance.
Both people feel pressure to do the thing - but neither feels truly seen, relaxed, desired, or connected.
Now, this happens when resentments pile up (small and large) and never get resolved.
Which in turn makes the trust disappear - because both of you feel unheard and misunderstood.
And then when this continues, the disconnect grows bigger and bigger, until you both don’t want to address it because you’re both terrified it’ll snowball into a fight or shutdown.
It’s actually not because the attraction is gone.
You likely do find each other attractive
It’s that the emotional connection that makes attraction feel good and magnetic is missing.
So the solution is of course, to reignite that emotional connection…
Which ironically, actually, starts with you working on yourself:
Identifying what the past resentments are;
Seeing where you feel unheard and misunderstood;
Getting clarity on whether that’s something you are projecting onto your partner and your own baggage, or something they’re actually doing (or both)
It starts with you first.
It’s not a sex therapist issue, nor a couples counselling issue.
It’s first and foremost a YOU issue.
And then, maybe, if still needed, a joint issue.
It drives me bananas when I see folks trying to ‘fix’ this issue by roping their partner into more date nights, more vacations, more lingerie or whatever.
PEOPLE, it’s nothing to do with those things.
It’s almost always 99% to do with the emotional trust and safety…
Which starts with YOU.
Starts with you individually and what’s going on for YOU.
Because if you are blocked and riddled with resentment and not trusting them (or yourself, which I see all the time), then it’s going to be impossible to have emotional connection with someone else.
The good news is, you can basically solve a huge chunk of this solo with the help of a good coach (hello!) to help you clear things and get clarity on what you need to regain intimacy.
You don’t NEED to do sex therapy or berate your partner, you can clear this quite elegantly solo.
And when you change, the relationship changes, too!
So if you want to change your intimate life here then drop me a DM - I can definitely help you and would be glad to.
