Blog Posts
“I’ve lost the spark and attraction with my partner. What do I do?” Here’s why - and what to do about it.
Firstly, know that you’re not alone.
Many high-functioning professionals I work with share a common complaint:
"We used to have chemistry.
Now it just feels flat. We’re like co-parents, friends, and it’s not exciting anymore.
I just don’t feel attracted to my partner."
For some, the relationship has lasted a decade or more.
For others, the decline came faster.
Either way, the spark is gone, and they’re wondering if that means the love is too.
Is it possible to no longer be attracted to their partner?
Were they ever really?
Is it time to end things?
Or are they the problem and they’re somehow sabotaging things?
And these folks are highly capable, high-achieving, smart professionals who are able to figure most things out - yet this, their romantic life, their marriage, feels uncertain.
Now, blaming the relationship makes sense - but in my experience, the problem isn’t always the partner.
"You're so unkind to me; you don't love me". Ever been told this by your partner?
Does your partner accuse you of being unloving and unkind, even though you’re trying extremely hard in the relationship?
Perhaps you’re doing your best to give them attention, validation, respect and kindness (even though you are struggling yourself)
And yet your partner say that you’re not doing enough, that you're the problem, maybe you’re yelling (even though you don’t think you are), that you’re invalidating their feelings, that you don’t get it.
So quite frankly, you feel ignored and unappreciated.
Why have we lost the spark in bed? How you’ve lost intimacy with your partner.
Ever found yourself just going through the motions in bed with your partner - ?
No eye contact.
No closeness.
No spark.
More two people rubbing their bits together.
And…it ends as quickly as it starts.
Before you know it, you’re both back on your phones.
NOT.
Well, let me tell you that first of all - this is no way to live.
And second of all, the reason you’re having such a terrible intimate life is because you and your partner no no longer feel emotionally safe with each other.
Yes, you might still “function” as a couple - raising kids, running a household, showing up to barbeques and dinner parties, bla bla bla - but deep down, the emotional safety is gone.
The real intimacy is dead, basically.
Why are you walking around on eggshells so much?
If you often find yourself walking on eggshells around your partner because you’re so used to the smallest comment spiraling into a full blown conflict…
…then one solution for you is to get really clear on what your unmet needs are.
Because the actual substance of the fight is almost always never the real issue.
(Last time I had a fight with my husband it was about lentils being put to boil. Let me tell you, it was NOT about the lentils)
What was it about?
I was feeling burned out and tired, and my need for safety, trust, and feeling held was far from met.
Most conflict - especially that chronic, easy-to-trigger kind -
Is built on a hotbed of unmet emotional needs, unprocessed pain, and stories you don’t even realize you’re still carrying.
What are Some of the Best Relationship Books? Here’s 6 to Consider
In what ways are we making our partner feel loved, even as we balance the demands of work and our own needs? When we are seeking clarity on life’s tough decisions, we can, and should, turn to professionals to help guide us, but we should also expand our mind by picking up a good book