How do I know whether to stay or go in my relationship?

In my experience, this is one of the most common yet most consequential questions people ask themselves.

And yet, it’s rarely approached in a way that actually produces good results.

Because more often than not, I see folks consumed with indecision, feeling stuck, insecure, and then eventually the decision is often made for them…

Cue tons of self doubt and regret. 

That’s because most people try to answer it from the outside in:

• weighing up pros and cons (who’s ever written a list?!)

• analysing their partner’s behaviour (finger pointing is notorious across the board)

• imagining life on the other side (fantasising, or even finding someone new)

• comparing their relationship to others (the classic human thing to do)

Problem with these strategies is that they’re fixated on external solutions and ideas.

Which means, they’re going to be very fickle. 

Because you’re out of control. You’re dependent.

And when the answer keeps changing, because all manner of things can shift, depending on the day, the mood, or the latest argument…

That’s usually a sign of something important:

You’re trying to make an extremely high-stakes decision WITHOUT a grounded, conscious, and stable internal reference point.

You’re dysregulated, stressed, and anxious in this…

So you can’t think clearly in the first place. 

Let alone see the situation clearly…

And that’s where people go wrong!

Because ultimately, “stay or go” is the wrong first question to be asking yourself

The question assumes you’re already in a position to decide.

But in reality, many people aren’t.

Rather than being grounded, strong, and stable…

They’re exhausted, disconnected from themselves, and carrying a ton of unresolved resentment, unmet needs, and old relational wounds.

Which are all shrouding your view and preventing you from seeing things clearly. 

Through no fault of your own, of course. I am not blaming you.

This is what it is to be human.

But it does mean that the decision cannot possibly come from a healthy, regulated, clear place.

Rather, it’s going to come from:

• fear

• guilt

• obligation

• longing

• fantasy

• Or, honestly, a desperate desire for relief and freedom.

And so that’s why so many people:

• leave…and later wonder if they made a mistake (I see people plagued with thoughts of their ex partner years later)

• stay and slowly erode from the inside (I’ve seen folks develop serious mental health issues from being unhappy for so long)

• repeat the same pattern in a new relationship (I’ve also seen folks leave, jump into a new relationship, and then realise that they’re repeating the same cycle over again).

This is all because the problem isn’t the decision itself.

It’s who YOU are being when you make it.

Here’s what I mean:

You cannot know whether to stay or go until you’ve completed the inner process required to see clearly.

Right now, you’re driving around with a windshield that is foggy and dirty and your windshield wipers are broken. 

You are driving but no idea where you are going, and likely going to crash.

You need to clear the windshield and get new wipers. 

And then know your destination, get a good map, and off you go. Sorted. 

This is what I am talking about.

So whilst it is NOT your fault that you have these blockers, and this grime on the windshield

It IS your responsibility to clean it up and upgrade things.

This is much more than surface-level reflection, or  “thinking it through” or talking it to death with friends.

Actual inner work on an actual inner process.

Because without it, you don’t know:

• whether your dissatisfaction with your partner is situational or structural or your own subconscious stuff that will mean you're dissatisfied later, anyway, even with someone new

• whether you’re responding to the present or reacting to the past (we all project, right?)

• whether your partner is the problem or the mirror to stuff YOU can resolve

• whether leaving would be an evolution, or an escape into another dysfunctional pattern

You have to remove internal grubbiness first to see your situation clearly, and know what to do about it.

Now, to be clear; 

Inner work does not mean:

• spending years dissecting your childhood

• pathologising yourself

• endlessly processing emotions

• blaming your parents or your partner

Inner work means systematically removing the internal blocks that interfere with your ability to see, choose, and respond consciously. 

As an adult. Who is operating from a wise, mature, grounded, and stable place.

In the context of a stay-or-go decision, that work usually involves four key areas.

•  Identifying the internal patterns driving your discontent

Many people assume their dissatisfaction comes from the relationship.

Sure. The relationship may suck. 

But often, it’s coming through the relationship.

It’s a symptom, not a cause.

Common patterns include:

• over-responsibility and emotional self-abandonment

• conflict avoidance followed by resentment

• seeking validation outside the relationship (or finding new people entirely) 

• confusing intensity and chaos with aliveness

• staying loyal to roles instead of truth

Until these patterns are actually addressed, they will:

• distort how you see your partner

• distort how you interpret conflict

• distort what you see as healthy love and intimacy

You cannot see the relationship clearly, and make healthy decisions, if these patterns are running the show.

•  Clearing the patterns out at a root cause level

Your patterns are your blind spots.

And by definition, blind spots are invisible to us.

That’s why trying to “figure it out on your own” so often leads to spiralling and feeling stuck.

You think you’re being rational, but you’re actually operating from:

• unexamined fear

• tons of old, unprocessed, hidden stories

• unresolved attachment strategies from childhood

• old relational conditioning from your past

This is also why advice from friends rarely helps. 

They are not professionals - nor are they neutral.

They will project their values, experiences, and unresolved issues onto your situation.

Doing this process and real inner work involves surfacing and clearing the unconscious drivers that keep pulling you toward the same internal conclusion, so that you aren’t held back by them - and can see clearly.

This is the part where you upgrade your windshield wipers! 

• Reconnecting with your needs and authentic self

Many people facing a stay-or-go decision are profoundly disconnected from their own needs.

Many high performers are this way, too.

And that’s all because they’ve been:

• prioritising stability and being the good person, over tapping into their truth

• managing others’ emotions because they’re the hero

• being “the responsible one” because they’re the breadwinner

• performing a role rather than relaxing into their authentic selves

So when you ask yourself:

“What do I really want for myself and my future?”

You don’t get a clear answer.

Because you’re disconnected from that. How could you know?

Inner work here is about rebuilding connection to your authentic self -  the capacity to know what you need, trust it, and act from it without going into a state of internal collapse.

Without this, any decision you make will feel uncertain, even if it looks right on paper

• Separating genuine incompatibility from your own self-sabotaging patterns

This is the step most people skip yet in many ways, it’s the one that matters most.

Your blocks are basically a form of self-sabotage, to put it crudely.

So only after you’ve addressed the internal blocks can you answer questions like:

• Is this relationship fundamentally not right for me, or is there room to make it work, once I take ownership of my stuff and see things clearly?

• Am I asking this relationship to solve something it never could?

• Would leaving actually allow me to live more fully or would I recreate this dynamic elsewhere?

Until then, the line between incompatibility and ‘is it me or them’ is super blurry.

And blurred lines rarely lead to good things!

So once you’ve cleared out the blocks, you can start to take tangible steps like addressing the communication, the intimacy, and so on to improve things on a practical level in your relationship. 

This is where relational tools and practices are mega helpful - but only after you’ve cleared the blocks and can see clearly.

You want to get this clarified. 

Ultimately…

A stay-or-go decision isn’t just about what to do, or whether this partner is the right partner for your future.

The decision you make, and how you handle it, will shape:

• your future relationships

• your capacity for intimacy

• your sense of self-trust

• how you look back on this chapter of your life

Leaving stones unturned doesn’t mean forcing yourself to stay.

It means ensuring that if you leave, you’re leaving from a place of genuine, grounded, self-confidence, authenticity, and wisdom, not fear, panic, escapism or avoidance.

And if you stay, you’re staying because it’s truly aligned for the future you want to create, not because you’re afraid.

When inner work is done properly that decision becomes so much easier, and so much more intuitive. 

And rather than feeling terrifying, starts feeling like a grounded next step.

The goal is to make a decision you can stand behind five or ten years from now, without wondering whether you truly saw the situation clearly.

That kind of decision requires you to have that upgraded windshield and wipers, and to see things accurately. 

It means you need:

• Honesty with yourself

• Patience to leave no stone unturned

• Willingness to look inward so you stop falling prey to your blind spots 

• and support that doesn’t rush you toward an outcome

If you’re asking whether to stay or go, the most important question may not be what you choose but who you become before you choose.

And that’s precisely what I can help you with.

If you’re ready to dive in, message me today.

I will walk you through the Successfully in Love® method and how it can help you.

Message me today.