Is it bad to have a close work colleague or friend who isn't my partner? Here's what's often happening.

Often what starts as a harmless friendship often ends in disaster.

Here’s how emotional affairs begin, and why most folks don’t recognize them until it’s too late.

You think it’s nothing.

They’re just your colleague, or your friend.

They understand your pressure. They get your jokes. They finish your sentences in meetings. You share updates. Wins. Frustrations. 

You banter. You laugh.

And it makes the workday more bearable.

Your partner knows about her. You’ve even joked about it: “Don’t worry, it’s not like that.”

But here’s the truth most high-performing folks miss until it’s too late: 

You’re likely already having an emotional affair. 

The only real question is why - and when it becomes physical.

Because emotional affairs rarely announce themselves. 

They start with light connection, often some playfulness, some validation. 

Often with a sense of being understood.

It often begins innocently - collaborating on projects, mutual respect, similar ambition. 

You’re both sharp, you share similar interests, and you speak the same professional language. 

There’s chemistry, but it doesn’t feel dangerous. It feels fun! Professional.

But then things shift. You start to look forward to seeing them.

You find yourself wanting to share good news with them before anyone else. When something goes wrong, they’re the first one you want to talk to, not your partner.

You open up to them easily. You feel energized. Seen. Appreciated. It's lovely.

....And your partner gets what’s left. 

Your exhaustion. Your old, tired self coming home. The grumpy, tired you.

So at home, everything feels heavy. 

But of course, at work, this “friendship” feels light, fun, breezy, playful. It’s a relief,

Problem is…

Folks who excel in high-pressure careers are trained to compartmentalize, right? 

To think rationally and to separate emotion from action.

So of course, you tell yourself this isn’t cheating. There’s no physical touch, no romantic intentions. And so it feels safe because you haven’t crossed “that” line. Right?

But the reality is, the emotional connection is the line. And you’ve been crossing it for weeks. Maybe months. Heck, soon it'll be years.

Now, high-achievers rely on control. But you can’t control when feelings start to form. And by the time you realize it, you're in deeper than you ever intended.

So, of course, you stop sharing with your partner because it’s easier to open up to someone who already understands the work context.

You get defensive when they bring up your colleague. And you minimize the relationship. 

You start to hide certain conversations. Maybe, you’ve even started deleting texts.

You think you're being discrete.

...But your partner already feels the distance.

They might not have proof. But they feel it in their body. 

They see how you light up when talking about work. They feel your absence, even when you're sitting right beside them.

And now you’re doing something even worse: You’re gaslighting them.

Telling them they’re overreacting. That it’s “just work.”

But…they’re not crazy. They’re responding to a very real emotional threat.

Yes, your partner may know your colleague exists. 

But they don’t know you think about them constantly. That you share your wins and frustrations with them first. That their opinion matters more. That their messages give you a hit of dopamine your marriage hasn’t delivered in years.

This is where most folks fall into self-deception.

They equate transparency about existence with transparency about emotional investment. 

But folks let's be real here - that’s not honesty, that's lying by omission. And omission is betrayal.

So, eventually, it's likely that the emotional affair becomes physical. It’s not a question of if…it’s a question of when. 

And because the emotional intimacy is already in place, the physical part doesn’t feel like a leap. It feels logical, natural.

And now, you’re living a double life.

That spark you thought was harmless clearly isn’t so harmless after all. And it burns through everything you thought you’d never risk… Your marriage. Your children’s sense of stability. Your professional reputation. Your own self-respect.

So…something has been happening. 

You’ve been giving your emotional fidelity to someone outside your marriage. Every day.

You’ve built a private world with someone else, and that's where the wounds are going to hurt.

Because emotional affairs leave wounds just as deep. Sometimes, especially for women, even deeper. 

Because they involve conscious choices, made repeatedly, without the haze of hormones, lust, alcohol, parties, to blame.

And your kids are sensing the tension. How you are at home, how you're checked out, how you talk differently about work. 

They learn what you model. That emotional betrayal is okay, as long as you’re “just friends.” 

That work gets your full attention, and family gets your leftovers.

So in the end, you’re risking your marriage AND you’re passing on patterns they’ll carry into their own relationships.

If you're reading this and feeling the sting of recognition, here's what I need you to hear:

You're not a terrible person. But you are making a choice that could be seriously terrible if you don't nip this in the bud.

The good news, is of course, you can course-correct. 

But not by denying it, or trying to handle this alone.

Here’s what I recommend - immediately:

1. Get brutally honest with yourself. Stop hiding the truth - this is NOT just a friendship. This is emotional infidelity. And that's okay! First step is to own it, so you can fix it.

2. Set immediate boundaries. No more texting outside of work, no more personal sharing, no private meetings. Reign it in so you can fix it.

3. Get outside support straight away. You’re not going to fix this alone or with logic. You won’t see your own blind spots. You need a strategic, confidential space to unpack what’s really going on, what to do, and why it started.

This is how we start to really fix the situation.

The reality is, you’re seeking external connection because you stopped bringing your full self home and you've disconnected from yourself. 

And you've likely you self-abandoned along the way, and don’t even know what your full self needs anymore.

So this is where you start investing into yourself again.

Start giving to yourself what you've been giving someone else: 

Presence. Vulnerability. Appreciation. Honesty.

And THEN we start fixing your marriage.

So, ask yourself this: Would you be comfortable if your partner had the exact same relationship with a colleague?

If the answer is no, Then you already know what needs to happen.

I promise you're not alone and it's okay - this is fixable in most cases if you take action. 

And it's extremely common - even if it’s not right. 

Emotional affairs are insidious and they can destroy marriages all the same when they run unchecked.

If you're already in this dynamic, or worried you're getting close, I can help you course-correct before it’s too late.

And if you’re ready to protect your marriage and level it up entirely, I will support you in creating your best relationship yet. 

Just message me a bit about your situation, confidentiality, and we can jump on a meet and greet call where I’ll tell you about my methodology. 

I work with this situation every day and I can absolutely help you.