Can your partner actually change? Five ways to know for sure

In pretty much every client conversation I have, there’s some version of this question - can my partner change? If only things were different. Can they be?

It's a fair question. 

But it's also a dangerous one that can keep you stuck in a cycle of hoping and yearning, looking for evidence of the positive…and then missing the bigger picture. 

Instead of guessing, focus on what you can observe.

What would real change look like?

Here’s what to look for:

1. They’re changing because they want to. Not because you’re asking them to.

Ultimatums can work, yes. But they tend to produce compliance. 

And compliance produces results for a few weeks. Maybe a month.

But the second you take your foot off the gas and stop pressuring your partner to change, they revert back to the same old behavior.

It's true, your partner will likely change if you make them. But do you really want to apply pressure to get the change you’re after? 

If you're anything like the people I work with, the answer is no. 

What you're looking for is different.

You want your partner to identify the pattern before you do, who brings it up without you having to nag them, and who talks about doing the work as something they want to do rather than something they’re being forced into. 

2. The behavior change becomes the new normal.

New behavior is easy. 

New behavior that survives a bad quarter, a sick parent, a canceled flight, a fight about something unrelated, is much harder. 

It’s very easy to change temporarily but then revert back to old habits.

So, before you get excited about your partner being different, you want to see if the change sticks.

You have to give it real time before you draw a conclusion. 

Typically, three months of consistency without you breathing down their neck is a good amount to see if they’ve really changed.

And you can’t be hovering over them - you have to see what happens if you let things go. You have to see change that sticks without you applying pressure to them. I know this is hard. 

3. They own their side of the street, fully.

There’s a big difference between: "Yes, I did that, and it wasn't okay" and "I did that because you..." 

Genuine accountability is non defensive, non attacking. 

Your partner can sit with what they actually did, without immediately building a case for why it’s okay or was understandable. 

Their capacity to own their behaviour and be accountable - to really own their side of the street - is everything here.

It shows that they have maturity, humility, and a desire to work on the relationship, rather than just be right.

They aren’t out to try to win over you, but rather WITH you.

It’s also surprisingly hard to do for a lot of people. 

A lot of people would rather deflect, blame, get defensive, or shirk responsibility. That isn’t abnormal, but it certainly isn’t helpful. 

What’s helpful is your partner doing whatever it takes to help the relationship, and that means owning their side of the street and admitting they’re wrong.

4. They share their inner journey with you

Real change is messy, vulnerable and can be quite unattractive. 

It isn’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination. It’s often gnarly. Even ugly.

Two steps forward, one step back. A moment of vulnerability when you notice the old pattern rising and acknowledge what’s happening, rather than act on it.

So in all that change, what you want is transparency about the process. 

Someone who shares what’s going on for them, and how they’re working on it. 

A partner who only shows you the end results is still holding you at arms length, and not really letting you into the vulnerability that intimacy requires.

A partner who shares their inner journey with you, is much more likely to create that sort of intimacy. 

5. You can feel the changes 

Arguably this is the most important piece. If your partner keeps talking about their growth - the therapist, the changes they’re making - but you aren’t feeling it…then that’s telling you something. 

Real change is something you can palpably feel. 

You can feel it in how safe it feels to bring something up. 

In how the energy feels different between you both.

You want to feel safe and relaxed - like you can trust them and let your guard down with them. Not have to keep applying pressure or forcing them to be a certain way. 

Now, to be clear - none of these five, on their own, prove anything. But together, sustained, they're pretty solid indicators that your partner is onto a good path.

There’s also another point I’d like to make though.

Bonus point 6.

You know things are changing for the better when you stop looking at them to change.

And start focusing on what YOU can do to change the situation.

Because at the heart of this all, it isn't really a question about your partner. 

It's a question about what you're willing to keep tolerating while you wait for the relationship to improve.

You can only control you - not your partner - and so focusing on yourself is the most empowering thing you can do here.

Because you are co-creating a dynamic with your partner that is hurting you. So focusing on you is your best bet forward. 

Most of the people I work with are exhausted from holding the question alone, for years, without anyone helping them see it clearly.

If you've been circling this one for a while and want a second set of eyes on what's actually in front of you, message me. 

That's the conversation worth having before another year goes by.