"How do I know when to call it in my relationship?" If you’re struggling to decide whether your relationship can improve or it’s time to end it

A common question many folks come to me with is, ‘how do I know when it’s time to call it in my relationship?’

Here’s what I tell them:

If you are in a relationship already and invested into them (married, engaged, or dating long term)...

Then the answer is when you have left no stone unturned and can honestly say, there is no more growth for me here.

Because, the truth is, there is likely a whole graveyard of perfectly good relationships behind you because you threw the towel in too early.

We live in a culture of avoidance, where it’s easier to think you’ve had enough and there are plenty more fish in the sea, and move. 

But this hugely robs your growth.

Because the problem is, skipping the inner growth might feel like the easier path but it isn’t - 

It just defers the growth that is long overdue. 

And it will catch up with you.

Because when you bypass your own growth by NOT looking at the deeper emotional patterns, you carry them with you.

And the same disappointments will resurface with the next person, just wearing different clothes. 

Yes, even if you’re married, divorce, and remarry. 

This is the cycle.

So you miss the chance to understand why certain behaviors trigger you, or why you pull away when things feel a certain way.

And you rob yourself of the chance to grow and learn more about yourself, and to heal any of those old wounds fuelling those behaviors…

And instead, end up repeating the cycle.

Inner growth is a clearing process. 

It’s all about removing old garbage blocking your vision and intuition so you can hear your authentic self and its instincts again, and from THIS place, make decisions that are rooted in truth, not old wounds and reactivity. 

And so here is what that inner growth looks like:

1. You identify the wounds behind your disappointment and unfulfillment in the relationship

Your reactions to people aren’t random.

Every trigger, every thing you dislike, every criticism, argument, everything that does not work in your relationship…is really a mirror to what’s going on internally for you.

Because these external experience are always shaped by past experiences - whether that’s an old sense of abandonment, criticism, feeling unseen, unheard, misunderstood, not good enough and so on.

And these show up now as an adult as frustration or withdrawal, anxiousness, neediness, self-abandonment, guilt, or whatever the pattern may be.

These are not accidental feelings. 

And they’re often much less to do with the person in front of you…

And much more to do with your own wounded patterns that have lived inside of you for a very long time.

These wounds distort your perception. You project old stories onto your partner.

And thus you inadvertently self-sabotage something that could actually work.

Perhaps by viewing them as critical, or boring, or you get triggered easily, or you think you’ve grown apart. Whatever. 

Or you accuse them of things they’re not doing, or miss things they are.

The point is: a lot, if not almost all of this, will be your projection from your own past stuff. 

Until you own your part in this, you can’t see the relationship clearly.

So any decision you make will be poorly informed and regrettable.

1. You have cleared out your old resentments towards this person

Resentment doesn’t disappear with time. It compounds and gets worse. 

Even small things - your unmet needs, dismissive comments, moments of disconnection - and so on, will build up over time when they’re never acknowledged or cleared. 

This includes from previous partners.

If you’re angry at your ‘crazy narcissistic ex’ then you can bet that anger is coming into your present dating and relationships. Same with present hurts.

And this backlog of pain clouds every single interaction with your PRESENT partner.

So of course, you find yourself less attracted, less open, less willing to connect.

You’re walking around with a backpack of resentment and rage that is weighing you down!

Because more often than not, it’s not about how bad things are now, it’s about how many past hurts you’ve been carrying around. With them, and with previous folks.

Until you learn to take that backpack off, you will continue to get weighed down and more and more tired. 

1. You have identified what you would need to be really happy in this dynamic

Not what would make them better.

This is NOT about outsourcing your happiness by blaming someone else.

This is about you figuring out what would make you feel full. Happy! Free. 

Is it growth? Intellectual stimulation? More adventure? A consistent emotional presence?

Most people skip this step. 

They say, “I’m just not happy,” but haven’t taken the time to define what happy even looks like for them.

And more often than not, they have no idea what they even need to be happy because they don’t even know who they are really since most folks are running around people pleasing and self-abandoning. Sorry, but it’s true.

You have to own your wounds and blocks first (see step 1), clear them out, and then get REALLY clear on what you need to be happy long term - and START doing that.

When you name what you need, and start doing this for yourself, you stop waiting to be rescued - and start taking responsibility for your life.

And this is where your happiness actually starts.

1. You have articulated that to them clearly

Now of course, your partner gets to be a part of what makes you happy too.

Yes, you have to meet your own needs - and you are allowed to express them to your partner to help you meet them even more.

But you cannot expect them to be mind reading. 

Subtle hints and frustration-laced comments do NOT work either.

You’ve got to have a calm, direct conversation where you made it clear:

“This is what I need. This is where I am. This is what matters to me. And here is a step by step guide of what exactly that looks like”

You have to help them WIN with you.

Give them the dignity of being able to meet you by spelling it out to them.

1. You have given it a good run and after doing all of these steps, you can honestly say, there is nothing else left for you to do 

You have to know you have left no stone unturned.

Not just a few weeks of trying at this, or doing a bit of therapy and offloading to someone else.

You have to know you’ve done your part consistently, emotionally, practically, relationally.

That you have REALLY showed up.

And after all that, you can honestly say:

“Ok, I’ve done everything I could. This isn’t something I can honestly say I can grow with anymore.’

Then it is time to maybe call it quits - but not before you give them a chance to step up!

Because relationships are messy, challenging, and require us to be vulnerable and dig deep. 

They aren't something that comes handed to us on a plate - and no one is going to be perfect.

You aren’t, they aren’t, and no one is.

So stop throwing perfectly good relationships out the window just because you haven’t done the inner growth.

And if you want support with doing this inner growth, then I’ve got you.

My proprietary Successfully in Love® method will take you through all the steps I outlined above, and much more, in roughly 90 days to get you to a place of clarity and decision. 

You just need to message me, or check out this video here: www.successfullyinlove.com to learn more about how I can help you.