“How do I stop arguing with my partner?” Here’s what to do to solve the arguing rut you’re in this holiday season.

The holidays are meant to bring warmth. But for high-performing couples under pressure, they often bring a ton of tension, miscommunication, and one small comment that turns into a three-day cold war. 

I’ve been there before…and it’s not fun.

And the cause is so rarely the ‘issue’ at hand. 

It’s the unexamined subconscious blocks running beneath the surface…

The old pain, unmet needs, and wired-in reactions from childhood and previous partners that unconsciously hijack otherwise rational people. 

These are often invisible to the conscious eye and very sneaky, so we want to stay aware of them.

Now, here’s how to stop the spiral before it starts:

1. Clear out the blocks that keep you stuck in conflict

That urge towards defensiveness…

That tight chest before replying…

The pit in your stomach…

This is all your nervous system reenacting a familiar script - your subconscious wiring -usually written long before this relationship even began.

We all carry old patterns: abandonment fears, control strategies, deep resentment from unmet needs. Typically from childhood.

 If left unaddressed, they distort the present. And you react not just to your partner, but to your past.

Neuroscience confirms this time and time again: The amygdala stores emotional memory and flags “threat” long before the rational brain has time to assess. 

That’s why you go from 0 to 100 over seemingly small things.

And why you can think your partner is overreacting to something, which doesn’t bother you, and vice versa. You are wired differently with different past experiences.

This is why clearing the emotional backlog is step one in my work. If you don’t recalibrate your internal response system, even the best conflict tools fall flat.

2. Stop arguing about the past. Start identifying what you actually need.

When you’re activated, you tend to argue to protect. You defend your position, you recount past wrongs, you spiral in what-ifs.

So it’s not that productive.

And the truth is, needs don’t live in the past.

They live in the present.

Example:

• “You always dismiss me when I talk” → vague, rooted in pain, bit of a character assassination (do they ALWAYS do this?)

• “I need to feel heard when I share something important” → clear, actionable, less harsh on their personality 

If you can name what you need, without accusation, the argument becomes a conversation. 

One that can actually go somewhere.

But here’s the caveat: Most people can’t identify their real needs until they clear the blocks preventing them from seeing them. 

If you're still entangled in self-protection mode, you're not going to be operating from a place of even knowing what your needs are. You’re going to be operating from survival.

3. Use “fair fighting” principles grounded in relationship science

Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that the biggest predictors of divorce aren’t the fights themselves - it’s how they’re handled. You can argue every day and be a healthy, happy couple if you do it right. 

Specifically, we have the presence of the “Four Horsemen”:

• Criticism

• Contempt

• Defensiveness

• Stonewalling

Replace these with:

• “I” statements

• Listening with curiosity

• Taking breaks before escalation

• Owning your contribution to the conflict

This is literally about being effective. Getting the argument resolved as quickly as possible.

And truly, it’s the difference between protecting your ego vs. protecting your connection.

4. Regulate your nervous system

Holiday stress narrows your emotional bandwidth. There’s a LOT going on.

So, cortisol is higher, sleep is disrupted, and your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for logic and empathy, is compromised.

This is why I teach nervous system strategies as critical skills for all people - because truly, if you can’t regulate your body, you won’t regulate the conversation. That’s why I am a breathwork teacher in addition to all the other work I do!

Because you will keep spiraling and things will feel terrible.

Simple recalibration:

• Shift awareness from your head to your lower belly (or your heart).

• Lengthen the exhale. Inhale for 4, exhale for 8.

• Place a hand on your heart and belly. Re-anchor. Keep bringing your awareness to THAT part of the body. Give it a rub if you need to, self-soothe in any way that feels good.

The more often you do this outside of conflict, the more automatic it becomes during it. And this helps keep you calm when things feel rough and scary.

5. See your partner as your ally, even when it’s hard

Your partner is not your enemy. Remember this in conflict! 

They’re likely feeling just as overwhelmed, just as under-resourced, just as uncertain on how to connect. And they have no idea how to handle it - because, really, who does?

So assume positive intent.

Even when the delivery is messy, most conflict stems from your partner being triggered and in a lot of pain, because they are overwhelmed and flooded. Rarely is it them being malicious and cruel for the sake of it.

One of the fastest ways to change a conflict dynamic is to shift the lens. 

Not “Oh my goodness, I am unsafe with them. They are failing me!” but rather “They are clearly scared. I wonder what they might be feeling, fearing, or needing right now?”

This is true relational leadership.

So ultimately, if you want to stop arguing with your partner this holiday season:

• Clear the emotional subconscious blocks so you’re not reacting from past wounds

• Identify what you actually need in the moment, and communicate it clearly

• Use proven fair-fighting strategies that reduce escalation

• Keep your nervous system calm and anchored, before and whilst you speak

• Choose to see your partner as an ally, not an opponent

Now, you can’t clear subconscious blocks by yourself because they operate beneath your awareness. They’re wired into your body, which drives your thoughts. 

You’re biased to repeat what’s familiar to you, so logic won’t reach these patterns on its own. Your subconscious runs 95-97% of your reality, and so you can’t fix what’s automatic. 

But a trained strategist can. This work needs skilled, external support to spot what you can’t see and rewire what you can’t access on your own. 

That’s where I come in!

I can help you with my proprietary system where I walk you through identifying and clearing all your subconscious blocks, core wounds, and emotional residue from the past - so that you can see your relationship clearly and show up as the best version of yourself.

If this feels like a cycle you are stuck in, and you want to go into the new year with a strategy, message me.